Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
