1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
