how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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