I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude i'm inner monologue high
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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