smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Ambien. No doubt about it.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
