whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
