You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
