My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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