My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
