hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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