No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize