I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
