sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You were trust falling into bushes
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
