Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
