Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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