Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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