It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
