If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
