your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
