I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
