I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
