Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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