i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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