...so i touched it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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