hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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