So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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