I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
