it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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