I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
