I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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