Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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