i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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