One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
