I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize