you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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