I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
