I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
