dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
