so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
