i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
