in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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