I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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