did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
