maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
All the doctor said was why
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
