like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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