Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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