Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize