i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
