the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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