Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
