I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize