My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
