Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
