gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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