This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
love makes seman taste better
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
